Ok, so it's possible that we've got abandonment issues and that's the reason we're taking the news that Simon is leaving American Idol after this season so badly. It's not like it's personal, like Simon's announced departure has anything to do with what we like or dislike.
Ok, then, fine. We'll be adult about this. It's cool. We know you have priorities and over time those change. You have to take care of yourself first. Fine, we get it.
We are just going to be respectful. We are NOT going to childishly make lists of replacements for you. We will not try out our first names with their last names and draw big red X-es through your name.
But you know, if we did do something so childish and unworthy of ourselves, purely on a fantasy level, it might look something like:
1. Hugh Laurie. Talk about a razor-sharp wit, and we think he could do the job in a way that would also give the rejected contestants a sense of what to work on. He'd be witty, honest, and just slightly this side of polite. Depending on your definition of polite.
2. Rowan Atkinson. Black Adder variety, not Mr. Bean variety. Please?
3. Dawn French. She's in possession of a wicked wit but also a sense of realism. We think she could walk that line of wanting them to do well but telling it like it is when they don't. Which is pretty often.
4. Jennifer Saunders. You can't ask for French without asking for Saunders as well. The actress who brings Edina to life certainly has the performance aspect of this gig down.
5. Stephen Frye. Surely he'd have a good idea of career advice plus honesty, right? I mean, he played Oscar Wilde. Brilliantly.
6. Graham Norton. Just cause we love that guy.
7. Piers Morgan. He's fantastic and can bring out the acerbic wit when required. He's also great at encouraging those who have the potential but waver a bit.
8. John Taylor and/or Simon LeBon. Duran Duran fans would have the opportunity to say, see, we knew he has/they have been brilliant all along.
9. Jools Holland. He'd definitely tell the truth in a manner that was entertaining to the audience...though not sure that he'd do it in a manner that was entertaining to they to whom his comments would be directed.
10. The Fox Source Writing Team. We're acerbic. We want them to do well. We grasp that paradox. And we're totally capable of faking any accent you'd like us to have to make us more exotic.