NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1. Explore the great mystery of what Dry Cleaners really do to clothes.

2. Broker a deal with France to trade the word Grapefruit in exchange for Pamplemousse.

3. Use a lie detector on anyone suggesting you invest in stocks and shares.

4. Book in for a course of Junk Mail Therapy.

5. Find a person who really does have 30,000 songs in their iPod.

6. Avoid being in a car with someone searching for a parking space.

7. Try to make the person staring at you in the mirror smile.

8. Take a moment to re-evaluate the fine details of String Theory.

9. Resist the return of Dominoes unless seduced by a movie star.

10. Look at last year's New Year's Resolutions list.

TEN WAYS TO CONSERVE TIME IN 09

1. Resist the temptation to open YouTube attachments.

2. Cease watching the same features repeat every fifteen minutes on 24 hour news channels.

3. Limit text and IM responses to a maximum of three per exchange with each person.

4. Multi task whenever possible.

5.Do not join a queue unless entirely necessary.

6. Take a one way trip from west to east over the international date line.

7. Don't hesitate.

8. Consign your answering machine to the trash.

9. Avoid contact with all people thus greatly lowering the probability of getting ill.

10. Sleep less.

Nick Rhodes, January 1, 2009